We all sit around and think our own private thoughts.  In this part of my site I decided I'd give you a look into my world,  the world not many have seen


 I always wondered with all of this what its all about, all the searching...searching...searching.

I've always been a thinker,  it's not something
    I've ever worried about until August 1999 when I suppose most
  would say I started  to wake up or become aware.

        I remember the night it all started,  it was in July/August 1999

(I said I remembered the night, not the date *G*)

When there were all those meteors flying past the earth, it was like the sky was full of shooting stars in some parts of the world. Over here in New Zealand we saw a few and it was on one of these nights that I first felt the love or energy as some call it. At the time I didn't know what it was or even knew if I had felt it,  but what was to come is what I came to call the meanest emotional roller coaster of my life.

I was sitting in a spa with two of my sisters under a clear, starlit sky relaxing and enjoying the peacefulness. The picture the universe had painted for us that night with the stars and the meteors was beautiful.

It felt wonderful and peaceful.  As I sat there enjoying the quiet serenity of the night I felt a warm feeling gently wash over me.  It started from the top of my head and gently down  through my entire body ,  it felt so wonderful.  As it was going through my body I heard a gentle male voice that said,


Whooooooaaaaa.....I thought to myself as I looked around at my sisters to see if they heard the same thing.  They hadn't even stirred, they were still sitting there quietly enjoying the quiet beauty of the night.

And that's when it all started,  the voices...the first thing I thought was, "OH, get a life woman!!! Its all your imagination! You didnt hear anything...its all your imagination...






  I  WAS

I look back now and they always say hindsight is a fine thing and it sure is.  I now;  18 months later have so much more understanding about what happened to me that night.  I often wonder to myself,  if I had known what was to come for me would I have changed it,   would I have chosen not to walk this path I've been walking for the past 18 months.

I was 38 years old and thought I had lived my life and knew myself fully,  what I didn't realise was that I hadn't even begun to live.  The next 18 months was to be full of highs and lows, pain and ecstasy, sadness and happiness, and fulfillment for myself.

I look back through all those emotions that I experienced and think to myself ...

"No,  I wouldn't change a thing,  everything I have experienced up until now has been worth it.  The worst of times and the best of times."

 I came across a lot of things in 1999 that I didn't understand or couldn't even begin to comprehend but I knew I needed to know, and the following are a few of the things I came to understand for myself, as time goes on I'll add more because there are so many things along the way I learnt for myself and  I'm still


 so   to  speak.

There is no particular order to these thoughts or experiences,  they're just a few of the things I've experienced and felt along the way.

Something I've always believed is the greatest gift a teacher could ever hope to receive is if one day a student came back to teach the teacher.  It would mean the teacher taught the student the most important lesson of all, how to go out and seek the answers for them self.

(and I'm STILL waiting!! hahaha)

Another thing I  believe is laughter is the best medicine, and if we can't learn to laugh at ourselves,  we may as well not laugh at all.

Have you ever had those voices in your head?  Y'know, when its like you're having a conversation with yourself but there's about five of you talking all at once?  EWWWWWW that's a pain in the butt!!!

I had a period of time when I had five of them going on all at once.  Half the time I didn't know if I was Arthur or Martha.  I was going around like a raving lunatic telling people about these five Gods I was listening to. I called them UniGods (gods of the universe that were also one god)  They were telling me to do this and that and go here and there and so on and so on.


 a very nice place for one to be, that's for sure.  I'd get lost in my own mind,  amongst the thoughts and voices within.  Id start thinking about one thing then my mind would jump to another thing then another then another until, before I knew it I was in a state of total confusion wondering how the hell I got there in the first place.

Which brings me to the purpose of this page,  sharing a few thoughts with you.



There's one thing that really, really worries me. I thought, the earths vibrations are increasing and our bodies are learning to resonate with the speed of these vibrations... right?. So if that is happening now and my body's' vibrations are increasing and getting faster and faster and faster... does that mean eventually my vibrator will be vibrating at a slower speed than I am? Oh my God, NO!!! If that's the case, have the vibrator companies even thought about this?? Have they got plans afoot to even keep ahead of speed of the earths vibrational shifts? Are they even aware there is a conspiracy out there to undermine their way of life!! Ohhhhh NOOOOO!!!!! does that mean eventually I'll have to find me a REAL MAN!!!! If thats the case...what's a REAL MAN!!! OHHHH NOOOOOO MORE QUESTIONS!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 This is the MOST important question to life!!!



Can you imagine it? The mind boggles!!! All those poor women out there wondering why the vibrator isn't satisfying them like it used to? Rushing out buying new batteries because they think that's what's wrong with them.

The battery companies would make a fortune!!

(mental note to myself:   Invest big in battery companies)


What about that paranoia stuff...geezzz now that's a killer!!  When your out in public and you think everyone's looking at you and you alone. It sux!  Like when you're Walking along the street thinking everyone's looking at me and you're thinking,
"Why are they looking at me. They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes...I know...
What's wrong with me. Why are they looking at me?
Oh no, maybe I've got a greebie hanging from my nose and I can't feel it!!! Oh god!! They can see it hanging there Oh no, Oh no!! That's what they're looking at!
They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes... I know...
Hang on, hang on (twitches nose) NOPE, can't feel anything...ok..maybe its there and I can't feel it...OK OK....I'll just casually touch my nose without them thinking that I know they are looking at me.
They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes... I know...
Oh no!! what if I touch my nose and it gets stuck to my fingers and they see it?? Oh NO, OH NO!
That's it...I'll pretend to cough and then I can put my hand over my mouth and if its there it'll be on the inside of my fingers, then no one will see it. Yeah, that's the best way (cough, cough) Hmmmm nope, nothing there. Why are they all staring at me?
They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes... I know...
OHHHH NO!  Don't tell me I tucked my dress in my underwear when I was in the toilet and they can all see my big butt and they're all laughing at me! DAMN! I never checked to make sure it wasn't either.
They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes I know... (brush my hands casually over my hips to make sure its not) Hmmmmmm its not that either...Why are they all looking at me? They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes... I know...
So what is it?...what is it? I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!! Its that bloody cheap make-up I bought, that's what it is! I knew I should have spent that extra cash instead of being a cheapskate, and now its gone all gluggy and the mascara has turned into little globs of black stuff and they're all looking and laughing at me.
They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes... I know... I need to find a mirror, yes a mirror, there's got to be one around here somewhere...(looking around furtively) Oh NO!! No mirror!! I know, Ill look in a window and then I can see it in the reflection...but hang on...if I look in a window then they'll think I'm vain...
They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes... I know...
What if I take a quick glance then they won't notice...then I can see what it is they're looking at...but what if I can't see my gluggy make up? What if its there but the reflection isn't clear?? Then I'd have to look longer then they'd know I'm looking to see what's wrong with me and think I'm vain...They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are looking, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes I know...Ohhhhh How I hate being out in public, everyone always looks at me, they think I don't know they're looking at me but what they don't know is I know...yes....I know. Oh I better go home where its safe and no one can look at me and laugh at me. Yes I know they're looking at me they think I don't know they're looking at me, but I know...yes...I know...

Why is life so,  so hard?


And just when you think you're safe and sound in your own little piece of heaven, you go surfing the net. Well sorry babe, there's no escaping that little bit of hell, even on the internet. Because even on the internet that paranoia stuff follows you.

 When you think everything that anyone says or types up is being directed at you? It doesn't matter what they're saying or who they're saying it to...They


mean you. Its like there's a big conspiracy going on and you're the only one who hasn't been told about it because it's you they're conspiring against. The whole world is talking about you and to you.  They're all in on it and they're all against you,  the whole world.   it was a conspiracy and they were ALL in on in on it. They think I don't know but what they don't know is I know they are talking about me, they just think I don't know...but I know...yes.... I know!!
Wow!! YEP! how sad huh? I figured out what that was all about for me and it ended up making perfect  sense in the end.

It helped me to move on from this place in my path to more painful,  happier, and exciting things.


Speaking of the internet,   how about all those abbreviations that have come part and parcel of cyber space talk.

The first time I logged on I thought I was on another planet!! All the letters everyone was typing up,  I couldn't understand half of what was being typed,  then after a while I got over the shyness and asked people what they all meant.

As time went on I got to know the old faithful lol and LMAO etc, etc, I also started thinking of new own meanings for them as well for a bit of fun and here's a few I came up with:

LMAO: Im laughing so loud my sister is in the next  room trying to sleep and she's banging on the wall yelling at  me to "SHUT UP!!!"
ROTFLMAO:Im laughing so hard I'm wetting myself.
ROTFL  : I laughed so hard I ended up spraying/spitting all over the screen and I have to get something to clean it off now.
IMHO:I know the only answer but to stop you all from thinking I'm full of myself and egotistical I'll put this in front of it.

hahahahaha:well what can I say about this one...if you ever heard me laugh I sound like this hahahahaaaaa

hehehehehe:and as for this one...well...its the way I sound when I'm being nasty to someone and they know it. (jokingly of course)

I LOVE YOU!!: means I can't say this to  people in 3d because they'd look at me like I'm screwed in the head so I'll say it on screen instead to people who can' see me

brb: going to make coffee: means I'm really going for a cigarette but I don't want any lectures about the dangers of smoking so I'll tell them coffee instead. And besides, the caffeine lecture is heaps shorter than the nicotine one.

brb: someones knocking at the door:   means I really need to go and pee but I can't exactly say that on the main screen.

Now for those little messages we get on yahoo or icq and the like

Sorry, I must have gotten booted:  means: You interrupted me in the middle of a good conversation so I went invisible till I was finished.

Sorry it took so long to answer, I didn't see the mesg. flashing: Damn! I thought I was on invisible and didn't realise you could see me.

Have you got time for a chat?: means, I'm feeling miserable and need someone to talk to.

You have a very nice/positive energy:  means,  wow, you make me feel horny!!!

Sorry, Im still here but my server is slow today: means I'm stuck in pms cybersexing with someone and its more exciting than what's going on in the room at the moment.

Sorry, I'm still here but I'm just stuck in pmland: means, I wish these people would stop sending me private messages because Im missing out on all the fun going on in the main room!!!

Another thing that never ceases to amaze me especially on icq is the number of people out there who follow like little sheep.  All those URL's that get sent saying things like "Don't talk to BIG FIRE!! He's been hacking or sending a virus  into everyones computers, this is his icq#33490589585, be warned!!! Send this to everyone on your contact list!!!

HEY SUCKERS!!! have you ever bothered to check out these URL's?  Because I did!!! And the ones I checked either didn't match the name being sent with the number or were non existent numbers!! Wow!!! Stop following like a pack of sheep!! Check it out!! For once in your lives, stop believing everything you read...just because some idiot's sent it around icq doesn't mean it's true!! For a refreshing change,



How do you think HITLER and his pack of SHEEP managed to get away with the killing of 6,000 000 Jews,  its because  "PEOPLE" were too scared to be different,  if enough people had dared to be different it never would have happened.  One of the greatest injustices of modern history and only a few had the courage to think for themselves and DARE TO BE DIFFERENT

and say


some paid for it with there lives and these people and the ones that didn't die helped make a difference for all those people out there today who are alive because someone dared  to say

 NO! NO! NO!

Then pretty soon you'll end up not being so different after all, because as we can see, people are like sheep and they'll follow anyone sooner or later,  even you. If you see injustice, don't sit down and let it happen,  stand up and say NO!!

That's it for now, watch this space because as time goes on I'll be  adding more.

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